


Paternity Redux - Time Just Stopped

by fragilevixen



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Rewrite, Episode: s09e09 Paternity, F/M, RST, UST, canon-divergent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26116420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilevixen/pseuds/fragilevixen
Summary: Her strength has always been immeasurable—but sometimes, something has to give and a string breaks. Nothing will ever be the same.“I’m trying my best, that is enough.” - UnknownThis is part of a challenge, to right a series of wrongs in an episode that has perpetrated many a discussion of “What Could Have Been”. WriterKC, Liv.Einziger, JustAnotherBookWorm78, MrsWellRested, EORocks, AlexisDawn, ChriskaPeach, and I have stepped up to the plate to do just that.
Relationships: Olivia Benson & Elliot Stabler, Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler
Comments: 20
Kudos: 17
Collections: SVU_Paternity_Redux





	1. Living a Lie

**Author's Note:**

> There are things that I had to cut or adjust entirely to make this fic work, lines of dialogue are no longer necessary, and the “Did you pick a name” line has been removed entirely. The demeanor between Kathy and Elliot are strained. The bad vibes would give any man just cause to raise the alarm. With that said, this is Canon-Divergent/Partially AU. Elliot Stabler would never cheat on his wife nor would he ever just leave a brand new baby if he had any inclination that it was his. This is “project reconciliation of odd dialogue”. Bear with me. I won’t spoil them but simply ask that you let them play out. Internal injuries of this nature are non-life-threatening but serious in nature. I did my research just to make sure they’d be plausible.

  
  


_You’re only one defining_

_Decision away from a_

_Totally different life._

-Mark Batterson (The Circle Maker)

Olivia Benson had just helped bring a child into the world. She held him in her arms and carried a singular hope for the survival of the woman who birthed him. Not for the child or even for the woman herself but for the man that had been a constant in her life for so long. The very same man that the mother of that child had said “I do” to so long ago. She did it all for Elliot as though it would put the pieces back together that had begun to fall apart in _his_ life. Somewhere within it, the concept pulled an ache from her soul that she didn’t even know she was capable of having. It breathed another layer of suffering into an already complicated life as she collided with Elliot Stabler’s elation and gratitude. Everything felt different and the air left her lungs as his arms tightened around her, squeezing as though she’d slip into nothing.

He’d embraced her before but it was never like this. This was quietly contemplative and it crushed the last parts of her rationality as she closed her eyes, willing the tears away.

“I don’t know what I would’ve done,” Elliot’s mouth was too close to her ear as he breathed down her neck, eliciting a trail of gooseflesh to awaken down her back. “Liv, thank God you were there.”

“I know, El,” Olivia knew she could’ve stayed like that but her resistance went back up as the words pushed forward and her voice cracked. “Go, go spend time with your son.”

Elliot gently pulled away and saw the sheen of purple and red across the side of Olivia’s hairline, stretching down to her ear, drawing his index back to the spot as he lightly grazed it enough to make her wince. “That’s going to leave one hell of a mark.”

“It’s nothing I won’t recover from,” Olivia smiled and began to back away, her brows lifting just a little as he lingered in the hall. “You better go, spend some time with them.”

It was no sooner than the mere seconds it took for Elliot to turn his back to go back into Kathy’s recovery room for him to hear the thump and skid of plastic across the floor. He shifted in his shoes and watched as the cell phone spun on the linoleum before realizing fully what had happened. Olivia had collapsed. She had crumbled with the absence of air in her lungs. Her oddly strong, dainty fingers splayed across the gray and white squares while she cocooned into herself. Something had gone wrong and Elliot froze for just long enough to watch as her ribs spasmed then went slack.

“Liv!” Elliot ran to her and dropped to his knees, carefully rolling her onto her back as a hiss of breath left her lips. “I need help out here! Someone! Anyone!”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Olivia wasn’t asthmatic but every syllable came out in a series of wheezes as the pulsating ridge of pain surged through every nerve. “Just…go…I can get up.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Elliot could hear the sound of frantic footfalls against the floor on their approach, from both halls, and shuddered at the sound coming from his best friend’s mouth as she struggled. “I’m staying right here.”

For a long, agonizing moment, seconds blurred away and the world shifted until everything felt upside-down. Four nurses and two doctors collided at the scene, hovering over her as the singular effort to mobilize Olivia became a whirlwind of movement. Olivia’s eyes fluttered, then rolled as they ushered her onto a gurney, forcibly moving Elliot out of the way to continue taking her vitals. Elliot snatched up her phone and got to his feet, never thinking twice about following them as he reached for her outstretched fingers while they pushed her through another set of doors. Something had gone terribly wrong and Elliot had all but forgotten about his wife and newborn in the opposite direction.

Elliot was determined, with no amount of reservation, to go headlong into the dark after Olivia.

****

_The screech echoed and the crunching of steel reverberated as the engine sputtered while the world spun into an endless blur. Time stood still for an endless moment as the flecks of glass flew, speckling against every surface, knocking into each other, and catching bits of light despite the danger they spelled out. Time slowed as the twisting of jagged alloy pushed hard in the wrong direction. The airbag exploded and the roof bent in while the radiator clicked in an endless refrain. The air refused to enter Olivia’s lungs even as she reached across the seats; her mind on Kathy and the unborn child being jostled within her. Her best efforts aside, Olivia was knocked around like an improperly cared for rag doll._

_“…Advise Fire Department that the victim is pinned,” Olivia didn’t even recognize the sound of her voice on the radio as the clock began to tick._

_It was worse on the passenger side. It was so much worse. The outside of the car resembled chewed up meat and Olivia needed to get out. She wouldn’t forgive herself if anything happened to that baby. She wouldn’t have been able to face him if she walked away and he lost Kathy along with the baby. The dull ache throbbed in her skull and thumped down to her hips as she fought harder to break the window. The boom preceded the shatter as the usher of sirens approached in the distance._

_“…Don’t worry about me…please help her,” Olivia swatted them away and reeled, doing her best to go into fight mode as Kathy stayed too quiet in the passenger side._

_Time just stopped as Olivia’s adrenaline spiked and she went into rescue mode without a thought for her safety._

****

It had been nearly two hours of waiting. Elliot wasn’t the patient type nor was he in the right frame of mind as he nearly struck an orderly in the hopes of getting answers. Olivia’s condition was still unresolved and she’d been moved…twice. He’d come face-to-face with Doctor Morella, who simply shook her head as she passed, giving him a single word to fixate on. “Wait”. He’d been doing it poorly but the principal idea had been there as Olivia’s gurney was finally wheeled into a recovery room.

It would have felt better if he’d gotten a glimpse of her face but he was denied the right as a nurse intercepted, stepping in front of his path.

_Please, be okay._

Elliot leaned against the wall, his eyes fixated on the door as Doctor Morella’s mousy, brown locks moved back and forth in the window. He didn’t know what he’d do. He didn’t know what to think. He didn’t want to think as the guilt coursed through him. The light at the end of the tunnel had always been her and the flicker was diminishing as his pessimism reached into his soul to squeeze life away. Elliot blinked, did his best to shake away the worry, and let out a low groan as her tear-filled eyes flashed into his consciousness.

_God dammit. This isn’t how things are supposed to be._

“Elliot, she’s stable,” Doctor Morella had the stethoscope draped around her shoulders, her scrubs wet up to her elbows as she gave a yank to the thin sterile guard across her chest, wadding it up with every step.

“What’s wrong?” Elliot was close to wearing a hole in the floor as he continued to pace, his eyes glued to Doctor Morella as she took in a breath with a pensive look on her face.

“Olivia’s adrenaline finally plummeted and the aftermath of the accident took over,” Doctor Morella was tentative as Elliot wrapped his fingers around the back of a nearby chair for stability. “She’s going to be okay…”

“You’re dotting around the situation like you know I’m going to go off when I know what’s actually wrong with my partner, Anne,” Elliot was trying to peer over the top of her head to see Olivia through the window but her position was perfectly blocking his view. “What’s wrong with Olivia?”

“Olivia refused to be seen by the paramedics when they arrived on the scene. She didn’t have a cursory examination of any kind, so we didn’t know if she had been injured during the accident,” Doctor Morella held in a breath as Elliot’s jaw clenched as his stare narrowed at her, the stress taking over as she continued to be indirect on the revelation. “The subsequent fall revealed that she had sustained injuries she wouldn’t have felt immediately.”

“Just tell me,” Elliot snapped at her, wringing his hands as he thought his legs might finally give out from coming up with his combination of theories. “I’m already thinking of the worst scenarios. End my misery.”

“Grade two Concussion, whiplash, two bruised ribs and a hairline fracture to the left side of her collarbone,” Doctor Morella lifted the page of her charts, perusing the information to make sure that she’d been thorough. “She’s not going to be pleased with me that she’ll be wearing a sling to keep that left arm immobile for a week.”

“Can I…” Elliot was antsy and his eyes were already on the door, sweating the details of Olivia’s condition as he elevated his brows.

“Yes,” Doctor Morella stopped him from entering, delivering a stern warning as he pressed his hand against the door. “Don’t stress her out…she needs to stay comfortable.”

Elliot was still tentative but he couldn’t stand on the outside and wait for her to be sent home. He felt the give against the frame and felt the discomfort against his chest as her propped up figure in the bed came into view. They’d given her fluids and stripped her of the clothes she’d been wearing; exchanging comfort for practicality as the white and blue speckled hospital gown looked too big on her frame. She shifted against the mattress and winced as she cradled her left arm against her body, incapable of moving it on her own. Her smile was soft, labored, and marred by tears as she met gazes with him. It was undeniable that she was glad to see him despite the circumstances.

“El,” Olivia swallowed hard and coiled her fingers around the blanket, desperate to keep her emotions in check as he approached the right side of the bed. “I’m going to be fine. I promise I’ll be just fine.”

Elliot leaned across the mattress, pressed his lips to her forehead, and breathed her in as though he’d nearly lost her. “How many times am I going to spin out thinking I’m going to find you in a worse state than you’re actually in?”

“I don’t do it on purpose, ya overprotective big brother,” Olivia winced as she barely moved the fingers on her left hand with a certain level of instinct to pull the blanket a little higher, inspiring a low hiss between her teeth. “Fuck…”

“Hey, you keep _that_ still and tell me what you need?” Elliot wiggled his index at her, indicating her well-trapped arm against her side as she tilted her head against the pillow.

_That’s an awfully loaded question, Elliot Stabler._

Olivia wet her lips and rolled her eyes, the frustration colliding with her wonderment of her partner as she lifted her right hand to stammer over her partially exposed hip. “Can you… _help_ cover me back up?”

Elliot adjusted the soft, white material, giving it a gentle tug until it was covering Olivia and restoring a little bit of dignity as she sighed toward the ceiling as he scooted onto the edge of the mattress. “Are you really okay or are you just acting like you are so I’ll leave?”

“A little from column A, a lot from column B,” Olivia stared at the port sticking out of the top of her right hand and flexed the tendons as the saline and pain killers did their work to dull her senses. “You really should be tending to Kathy and the baby—not sitting in here with a bruised and broken moron that refused medical attention.”

“You’re not a broken moron, Liv,” Elliot’s eyes were on the gently trembling swell of her bottom lip grazed her teeth in a soft back and forth motion, more than fascinated by her every move. “I’m exactly where I need to be.”

“Cut the crap, El,” Olivia wanted him next to her but she refused to be his charity case that spent his precious time as the clock ticked away on moments he could never get back. “I’m not made of glass. I’m not going to shatter if you go spend time with your wife and newborn son.”

Elliot shook his head and diverted his stare toward the array of monitors and gauges, watching lights and numbers develop a subtle ebb and flow as he gathered his thoughts. “I can’t even describe the feeling that something is wrong but the amount of insistence and persuading that she has done over this child—Something isn’t right.”

Olivia furrowed her brow and let the pillows nearly swallow her up as she leaned back, the concentration failing as she searched for the words. “You’re stressed out, overthinking the situation, and losing perspective on the newborn in the nursery.”

“She couldn’t answer me outright, Liv,” Elliot didn’t want to pour it on her while she was in a hospital bed but she was the only one he could open up to as his eyes were fixed on the IV drip. “I don’t want it to sound like I’m being paranoid but he doesn’t look like any of his siblings…down to the color of his eyes.”

“They’re not blue,” It wasn’t a question as Olivia recollected the split-second that she’d looked at him just before securing him against her chest, the vibrancy of his deep gold and hazelnut irises almost stark compared to Elliot’s bright, icy pools.

“Not even a little bit,” Elliot bit down on his tongue and squinted toward the door, horrified over the discussion he didn’t want to have as the bitter sting of reality kicked him hard in the knees. “I know that the papers were her idea but I don’t think she ever wanted me to sign them…not really, anyway. It should have dawned on me back then.”

“El,” Olivia grasped him at the curve of his elbow, putting pressure on her IV as she captured his gaze and sighed as another wave of medication moved through her. “I don’t know how coherent this is going to be but if it’s bothering you, maybe you should be telling her about it. It isn’t fair to put your four other kids through more unknowns.”

Olivia didn’t understand how much her words had managed to slip beneath the surface and root around as Elliot nodded, giving her knuckles a soft caress as he watched her eyelids bob. She had always been his rock and knew exactly what to say to pull him from the deep. It couldn’t have made more sense but arrived at a more inopportune time as the conflict clashed with a yearning to stay right by her side. A whine of a laugh left her lips as she closed her eyes and pressed her lips closed, the battle against sleep working through her a little stronger. Despite the situation, Olivia had never looked more beautiful, stronger, more capable, and he was captivated.

“You rest and I’ll go have that conversation,” Elliot leaned across the bed and found her cheek with his lips, lingering longer than anticipated as he felt the warmth spread across her skin.

“Heh, I better not be able to hear you from…whichever room I’m in,” Olivia’s medically-drunk smirk was the stuff of perfection as he made his way to the door.

“I’ll be good,” Elliot winked and waited until she succumbed to sleep to move, his intentions less than pleasant as his stomach rolled.

Elliot didn’t want to go in the room but his curiosity and the affectation of Olivia’s comment had been working him over with each step. He contemplated the weightiness of the ring on his finger and spun it around as he fidgeted a final time, the breath hanging between his lips. Would he be naming another child or reluctantly watching Kathy walk away with another man’s baby? It was hitting him wrong. It was settling in his gut and he wanted to vomit even as he pushed the door open, meeting a knowing, waiting glance from her as she sat up in the bed.

“You look worse than I feel,” Kathy’s marks were more vivid in the fluorescent light and the bruising stood out against the porcelain as she kept her eyes on him.

Elliot grasped the plastic footer at the end of the bed and watched her hands shake as he stayed there, keeping a modicum of distance between them. “I feel like a truck drove through me and flipped it into reverse to finish the job.”

“Why do I have this feeling that you’re about to make this about a lot more than a metaphor?” Kathy gritted her teeth, the upheaval of every emotion already working through her postpartum body in equal measure to what the accident had done. “You don’t get to start a fight. Not right now.”

“It isn’t a fight, Kathy,” Elliot locked his jaw and burned a hole through her with a searing glare, the intention clear as he closed the distance and sat on the edge of her bed, just out of her reach. “What is your intention with all of this? Make me believe we’d started to work everything out just so you could give the rug a firm tug out from under my feet?”

Kathy’s bruised bottom lip was firmly between her teeth, the guilt written across her face as she reached for his hand only to watch him pull it away. “I did want to fix everything. I wanted you home and back with us but you’d always be one foot out the door despite the half-assed promise to work on us.”

“The self-defeating, self-fulfilling prophecy you set in motion is on you, it isn’t on me,” Elliot’s voice cracked as he did his best not to pour more salt on the open wound. “I signed the papers because I thought that’s what _you_ wanted. I came home because I thought that’s what _you_ wanted. I stayed because I thought it was for the _best_ —now I’m facing a stranger who doesn’t know what _she_ wants.”

“I want you to admit that you never really came home,” Kathy glared, her nostrils flaring as she nearly tore the IV from the top of her hand. “I want you to admit that it was never what _you_ wanted.”

Elliot had gone back home to accomplish more than putting together the pieces of a broken marriage. There was a moment, however brief when he thought it was what he wanted. It was the manifestation of contrition, though, as the faces of his children kept him there in a repetitive cycle of repentance. Regret, penitent, self-accusation. God was staring down at him while he was waiting on an answer that would never come. The decision was made, however wrong, and Elliot’s life became a series of apologies and actions to make amends for.

The woman that he had said ‘I do’ to no longer existed as she became cold, hollow, and distant even as she lied next to him.

“What do you want me to tell you?” Elliot stood and spun around, the words slipping free as he could no longer hold back the floodgates as his timbre climbed a notch. “That I felt nothing when I came home? That I could feel the chill in the air the second I walked in as though I was an intruder in my own house? That my kids looked like they knew a secret that their father didn’t?”

Kathy felt the sting of every word as his questions carried weight as her cheek throbbed and the air struggled to move through her lungs, knowing that she’d started that fire as she watched his fingers move his wedding ring in circles. “I guess it doesn’t matter much now, does it? You’ve already made your decision.”

“Were you going to make me fall in love with a child that isn’t mine or have you already chosen to give him the name of his father?” Elliot nearly spat as the question pried free, the tears down his cheeks betraying the anger that brewed within his belly.

“His name is Michael,” Kathy shed her first tears, uttering the name as she felt the glacial stare from her husband as he backed up a pace. “…After his father. I didn’t plan this, El. It just happened and nothing made sense. The timing was close and—"

“So, insisting that I was this child’s father seemed like a good idea at the time?” Elliot cut her off, refusing to hear another word of it as he felt his soul cry out at the thought of holding another man’s child in his arms for even a moment. “Spare me.”

Kathy wanted to make it hurt and the flash of a smile was unreal while Elliot was halfway to the door, his mind on the house of cards that his life had been reduced to as it all flattened with a singular phrase. “I didn’t know, if you want to come down to it, I didn’t…I never thought you’d come home that night and the timing was so close.”

“Does he know?” Elliot was flayed open, gutted in front of the woman that had once been the love of his life. “Am I the only idiot in this situation?”

“You’re not an idiot,” Kathy scoffed, desperate to make herself the victim as she reclined back and winced as she pinched the IV line beneath her shoulder. “You have to be sick of pretending to care, though, Elliot. Isn’t it exhausting?”

“I’ve always cared, Kathy,” Elliot held a breath and glanced at the floor as life began to crumble apart. “I don’t know what else I could’ve done to prove that to you.”

“You want to make it seem as though it’s new but it isn’t,” Kathy was tiptoeing around the issue as she rolled her eyes and watched the confusion bloom on his face. “You’re going to force me to be the bad guy by finally coming out to say it, aren’t you?”

“Say what?” Elliot had everything on his mind but the situation unfolding in front of him as Kathy shook her head in disbelief. “Well?”

Kathy wiped another stray tear and narrowed her eyes as she drove the point home, lowering her voice as it awakened another layer of wrath beneath the surface of her irritation. “It’s always been _her_ , hasn’t it?”

Olivia.

There it was, like glass shattering. Kathy had harbored so much jealousy that the words sprang free as though they meant something. Elliot hadn’t even made a move but his heart jumped into his throat at the realization he had chosen Olivia a thousand times without even realizing it. It didn’t take saying it out loud, from a rooftop or in front of an audience, to plainly see that something solid had taken shape. Still, in the dark, Elliot had kept it well-hidden, complacently platonic, and left his best friend sitting on a shelf like a porcelain doll that he never intended to break.

Elliot pushed a gap in the door and shook his head, pressing his tongue against the roof of his mouth for the briefest of seconds as he looked at Kathy once more. “You know, it wasn’t always her—but maybe it should have been.”


	2. Fresh out of Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If everything seemed to be falling apart and your only constant had been there since day one—would you take that chance, jeopardize everything, and confess? 
> 
> “In the end…We only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.” – Lewis Carroll
> 
> I ain't talking forever  
> Just need some time  
> Cause I'm fresh out of courage  
> To speak my mind  
> I can see a high wind blowing  
> Across our ventured plain  
> Has the last straw broken?  
> Do you still feel the same?  
> (Stranger Love - Ollie Wride & Sunglasses Kid)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are things that I had to cut or adjust entirely to make this fic work, lines of dialogue are no longer necessary, and the “Did you pick a name” line has been removed entirely. The demeanor between Kathy and Elliot are strained. The bad vibes would give any man just cause to raise the alarm. With that said, this is Canon-Divergent/Partially AU. Elliot Stabler would never cheat on his wife nor would he ever just leave a brand new baby if he had any inclination that it was his. 
> 
> This is part of a challenge, to right a series of wrongs in an episode that has perpetrated many a discussion of “What Could Have Been”. WriterKC, Liv-Einziger, JustAnotherBookWorm78, MrsWellRested, EORocks, AlexisDawn, and I have stepped up to the plate to do just that.

_Too scared I’d disappoint you_

_Too scared you’d see my mess_

-Nathan Wagner

One week later

6:00 PM

The Stabler Residence

A home of memories and a deafening echo of nothing but empty, hollow memories hit Elliot with a flood of emotions as he packs another suitcase. It’s the third in a week. He has put it off and it’s apparent as he shoves his belongings into the cavity without really paying much attention. His phone has been silent, absent a text or two from Fin to let him know that he’s covering him for Cragen while he takes advantage of Kathy not being at home. Olivia has been a staple of Elliot’s thoughts, even as he stuffs his clothes and random belongings to be forgotten for weeks, and it’s gotten him nowhere as he exhales slow. He doesn’t even the awareness to notice Kathleen as she watches him from the doorway, a forlorn look on her face, dwarfed in one of his USMC sweaters.

“Daddy?” She damn near made him leap out of his skin as he pulled the zipper shut and spun around.

“Jesus, Kathleen, you scared the hell out of me,” Elliot’s heart raced and the wisp of adrenaline calmed as his daughter wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. “I thought everyone was going to be out today.”

“I faked sick so I didn’t have to go shopping with the child that never stops screaming,” Kathleen never minced words as she rolled her eyes and scoped out the filled luggage, an air of sadness in her voice as she crossed her arms. “So, you’re really gone, huh?”

“I didn’t make this decision this time,” Elliot placed the filled suitcase on the floor next to the other and finished moving through the closet, gathering the final items that he knew still belonged to him. “As much as I’d prefer to say that everything in life is easy…Sometimes, it just isn’t.”

“You’re being a lot less heated about it than Mom is,” Kathleen leaned against the door frame and flicked a piece of chipped nail polish free as she took a quick peek at her fingers. “She’s been more than a little vocal about everything—Keep reminding her that she probably shouldn’t but I end up just sitting on the porch while she lectures from the other side of the door.”

“Honey, I’m sorry,” Elliot draped the sweatshirts across the luggage and made a face as the many expressions of his second-born expressed nothing less than conflict. “I wouldn’t have chosen this outcome and I didn’t think we’d all end up broken apart like this.”

“I don’t listen to half of her rants, Dad,” Kathleen rolled her eyes and laughed under her breath as she rubbed her eyes, making eye contact with her father as though he was needlessly talking into thin air. “How’s Liv?”

Elliot couldn’t have been more taken aback by the question as he cleared his throat and diverted his attention to his belongings, purposely stumbling around the topic. “I don’t know what Liv has to do with anything but…I guess she’s doing fine.”

“Come on, Dad,” Kathleen was a little exasperated as she flung both arms forward, motioning forward in protest. “You know Liv is the topic of most of mom’s bitterest bashing sessions and I wonder how long it’ll take before she slips up and mentions the situation in front of _him_.”

“Shielding you from adult conversations clearly hasn’t been a two-sided coin around here, has it?” Elliot nearly burst into laughter as Kathleen raised an eyebrow at him and shook her head while he moved past her with his suitcases awkwardly gathered under his arms. “Not that it makes a difference but I haven’t had any kind of conversation with Olivia other than making sure she takes the time off to heal from the accident.”

Kathleen paused and followed him into the hall, the confusion evident as she half chased him to the living room. “Wait, wait, wait—Hold up. You haven’t told Liv anything? Dad…”

“Oh, kid, you are not lecturing me about a conversation that I haven’t had with Olivia,” Elliot put his bags near the door and moved past Kathleen as she attempted to give a stern, yet disappointed, look in his general direction. “I mean it. You’re my daughter, not my priest.”

“Think about it for a second and answer the question without a second’s hesitation, dad,” Kathleen bopped Elliot on the forehead with one of Michael’s nearby rattles, the sensation of which nearly made his head spin as she finally made him stop moving. “Do you have feelings for Olivia?”

“Yes,” Elliot reacted with a careful swat as his daughter was primed to smack him again with the plastic toy. “Enough with the damn rattle.”

“It was doing the trick to get your attention,” Kathleen shrugged both shoulders and tossed the noisemaker back onto the couch, a pearly smile gracing her face as she flipped her hair and elevated her brows. “I might be just the kid here but you might want to tell Liv how you feel before you end up looking like the lonely idiot that kept everything bottled up. Don’t want you to end up like mom—Bitter and pretending that they didn’t screw up their own life.”

“Don’t let your mother hear you talking about her like that,” Elliot pulled his daughter into a needed embrace and put his chin on the top of her head as she held onto him for a long moment. “It’s good advice even though you shouldn’t be the one giving it.”

“Go talk to her, Dad,” Kathleen picked up the smallest of his suitcases and opened the door, eyeing the minivan as it pulled up with the rest of the kids packed inside. “Unless you like the life of a disgruntled old man.”

“I’m not old,” Elliot was out the door before anyone could unbuckle, the air of tension swirling as he made brief eye contact with the woman that had thrown her wedding ring at him just two days earlier. “I better go before I get stabbed in the eye.”

Kathleen followed to the end of the porch and watched as the pensive stare developed from her mother as she maneuvered around the van while the low, guttural cries echoed from inside. “I love you, Dad.”

“Love you, too, Kathleen,” Elliot turned his head as he got to the bottom of the stairs, a careful smile on his face as he lowered his voice. “He really does cry a lot, doesn’t he?”

“Like a banshee, perpetually,” Kathleen coaxed a laugh from Elliot as he finished the descent to give the final shove of his things into the backseat of a sedan that Fin had tossed him the keys for.

“Is that the last of your stuff?” Kathy’s frustration bled through as her voice strained over the top of the baby’s cries as she pulled him from the car seat, his reddened face almost stark against her as she held a pacifier against him until it finally quelled the sound. “I can’t have you showing up every day of the week to interrupt the kids’ routine.”

“If you find something that belongs to me, just set it aside and I’ll come to pick it up when it’s convenient for you,” Elliot was doing his best to be understanding and accommodating but her sour facial expressions were doing little for the mood as she balanced the infant in her arms while directing Dickie and Lizzie inside. “I’ll do whatever I can to be cooperative, Kathy.”

“You really are a piece of work, aren’t you?” Kathy seethed, the twinge of petulance wringing in her articulation. “Turn each of our children against me one-by-one so you can have your _happily ever after_?”

“I just want to co-exist and not have the kids see us raising voices in front of each other,” Elliot knew that there was more to it than anger but he didn’t care anymore, not the way she wanted him to. “You can hate me if you want to but you chose what you wanted—This isn’t a one-sided life, Kathy.”

“Oh, I’m well aware and I don’t need any self-righteousness from you, Elliot,” Kathy’s anger was only increasing as the twins stood just feet behind their older sister, watching the train wreck unfold in the middle of the drive. “You can pretend to be a decent man for Olivia…I’ve been impervious to that bullshit for years.”

“Mom!” Kathleen pushed Dickie and Lizzie inside, their confusion only growing as the cap seemed to pop off on Mount Vesuvius before their eyes.

“No, no, it’s fine,” Elliot shook his head as the last shreds of the woman that he knew, that he once adored, became hardened before him like so many layers of stone as he opened the driver’s side door. “I’ll let you know when I’m on my way to visit the kids.”

Elliot didn’t look back. He didn’t wait for an answer or a protest. He simply slipped into the seat and watched as the life he knew blurred in the rearview. In the back of his mind, he hoped that a friendship could be salvaged but he doubted that Kathy would ever try. It was just one more thing to add to the growing list of impossibilities that seemed to be stacked against him.

Secretly, though, Elliot hoped that confessing to Olivia wouldn’t be one of those odds to fight with.

7:30 PM

Olivia Benson’s Apartment

Olivia hadn’t left the confines of her home since being discharged from Mercy General. Captain Cragen had given a stern warning to not come in until an inhale no longer felt like a stab and he’d already threatened to sick Melinda on her if she tried to lie about it. If there had been anyone to slip perfectly into that fatherly role, it was him, and on certain days she appreciated it. Whether or not she showed it was left to be seen, but the thought still crossed her mind that someone did, indeed, give a damn. The abundance of phone calls from everyone but her partner had her transfixed on the negatives and retracing her steps as though she had said or done something wrong.

It couldn’t have been further from the truth, though, even if she didn’t know any better.

“Fuck this sling,” Olivia wrestled with the navy blue fabric and pulled the adjustable strap until it was a little firmer against her side, pressing uncomfortably against a breast. “Well…that’s one way to get a thrill.”

The timing couldn’t have been more inopportune as the knock at the door startled her as she sank back down onto the center of the couch. She hadn’t ordered anything and no one had texted her in a while, nor had she recalled buzzing anyone up in a frustrated state while struggling to pull her pants back up earlier. She’d gotten comfortable in the silence and a lapse in memory wouldn’t have been out of the question. Deep down, though, Olivia didn’t want any company but another couple of knocks inveigled a long, pronounced sigh as she stretched her feet across the floor and wiped the sleep from her eyes. It seemed a little out of place but she stood and ran a couple of fingers through her hair, hoping that she didn’t look as bad as she felt as she approached to peer through the peephole. She should’ve known in her soul that it would’ve been him.

Elliot Stabler never stays away from her presence for too long.

Olivia unlocked the door and tried to act surprised as she held back a smile, a soft tenor in her voice. “Do I need to have a discussion with the lobby again about taking pity on the strange man who gave puppy eyes to get into the building?”

Elliot nearly swallowed his tongue as the dressed-down sight of her, clearly braless, had him choking on his spit as he did a double-take. “They, uh, know my name by now and don’t even wait to let me in, Liv.”

“I’m going to have to have a long conversation with them about making it a little difficult for you,” Olivia slid to the side and offered to let him in, a coy smile on her face as she kept the door handle against her right palm. “I guess you can come in, though.”

Elliot wanted to tell her that she looked beautiful. He wanted to tell her that even with yellowing bruises on her hairline and her arm closely cradled against her side, she was radiant. He nearly took a tumble as he passed the threshold as one foot unceremoniously got in the way of the other, giving it away that he was off-kilter in front of her. Olivia would’ve read into it if she didn’t have her thoughts bitterly ruining her demeanor as she pushed the door closed, inhaling a breath as she kept her back to him for a long moment. She’d wanted to talk to him and the avoidance had been all too real since the medication was flowing through her veins.

The time that had passed had been more detrimental than they could even fathom.

“How’re your ribs doing?” Elliot was almost circling behind a chair as Olivia went back to the same spot on the couch, wincing as she attempted to get comfortable. “The collarbone?”

Olivia furrowed her brows as Elliot continued to stand, his eyes on anything but her as he purposely put distance, and more furniture, between them. “The one thing you’ve never been good at, Elliot Stabler, is small talk. Cut the crap.”

_Touché._

Elliot white-knuckled the back of a chair and finally met the waiting, scrutinizing stare of his partner, his best friend, the woman driving him crazy, and felt his blood pressure spike. “I’ve been thinking a lot, probably more than necessary, while moving the contents of my life from a house to a small, stuffy apartment—”

“Wait, wait, wait, hold up,” Olivia waved her right hand, cutting him off in mid-diatribe, her voice elevating as the confusion bloomed all over her face. “You’re doing what, now?”

Elliot flopped onto the couch next to Olivia and held up his bare left hand as the loud exhale reverberated in a soul-crushing sound. “I suppose I should’ve started with this instead of glittering it up with a grand explanation of why I disappeared for a week…”

Elliot had a pale emptiness where his wedding band once resided, standing out against skin that had been to hell and back. Olivia was quiet as she reached for his fingers, pulling his hand back down against the well-worn material of her sweats. It was a contemplation as they sat, side-by-side, digits intertwined almost to remind one another that they were present, that they were real. Elliot chewed the inside of his cheek while Olivia did the same to her lip. It was as though the words just wouldn’t come or didn’t make sense enough to spring free.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Olivia felt a figurative ache clash with the literal ones as she inhaled sharply, glancing over at him as he fidgeted beside her. “I could’ve helped…Even if it was just to listen to you bitch for a while.”

“Anything I say to you about why I waited is just going to sound like a convenient excuse, Liv,” Elliot was fixating his gaze on a vase with nothing in it on an adjacent table, perched in the middle of it with a ring of dust around the rim.

“I don’t know why you’re afraid but I can tell you are El. Just talk to me. You came all this way,” Olivia swallowed hard and felt trepidation creeping in as his digits shook against hers. “…Can’t tell me it was to stare at my wall.”

“Not the wall. The vase full of dust and cobwebs,” Elliot hid a smirk behind his free hand as he ran his palm across his lips, collecting his thoughts. “I went from being a married man rebuilding a life to a soon-to-be-divorced man realizing that the foundations were sinking. I only had one part of my life stay steady, strong, and make me want to get out of bed after everything else crumbled.”

“Oh,” Olivia pulled her hand away and put a shred of the distance between them as a wall of ice went up, the refusal to break set in, and her heart began to thud in her throat. “Don’t say it, Elliot. Don’t cross a bridge that you’re just going to douse with gasoline before anyone else can cross it.”

Olivia wanted Elliot to say it but the overwhelming yearning to salvage what was left of sanity was breaching as a bruised ego and stupidity of a past set to repeat was staring her in the face. She’d made a mistake like this before and it had bitten her too many times; leaving a sour taste in her mouth. Elliot Stabler was certainly no Brian Cassidy, but rules are rules, and she refused to be her partner’s rebound. She refused to be anyone’s rebound. She’d rather be alone than know that the title attached to her forehead would be the word “fling” in neon. Olivia felt the heat of Elliot’s stare on her as she scooted to the edge of the couch until she bumped the sling against the armrest.

“Liv,” Elliot made a desperate attempt to grasp her hand and watched her recoil, capturing a conflicted stare that he’d never seen before. “If I don’t say it now, I’ll never be able to. I don’t have any more courage to get while I’m sober.”

“Then don’t,” Olivia had tears in her eyes as she blurted it out as she stood. “Just leave before you say something you can’t undo.”

“I have to and I know it’s a risk that could backfire on me like so much has,” Elliot was on his feet in a heartbeat, not allowing her to get further than the archway that began the hall. “I had a split-second of thinking I was about to lose you when you collapsed in the hospital. I didn’t even think about Kathy—My mind was completely on you.”

“Stop,” Olivia spun and kept her footing in the dark, where it felt safe as she grappled with words and thoughts alike. “You don’t mean it and you don’t know what you’re saying.”

Elliot knew that his promises weren’t worth dust but the look on Olivia’s face had more hidden as she took another step into the dark. As Elliot felt the words sting and dig in, his resolve only strengthened as he watched a single tear fall. He was sick of pretending that Olivia hadn’t wrapped him around a little finger without even trying to. The path had led them here, complete with the thorns that were piercing through every crack in each other’s souls. Olivia’s eyes looked through him, at the shiny finish of the door handle, almost hoping he’d just give in and go.

It would’ve been an easier choice.

“I’d rather shatter my fucking heart a thousand times over than walk out that door right now without you knowing that I don’t want anyone else beside me,” Elliot eclipsed the distance and heard the sharp inhale as she took another step back, hoping he wouldn’t see more of her tears. “You’re not just my partner, Liv. You’re everything and I’m not letting a shot at something real go slipping through my fingers again.”

“You don’t have a choice,” Olivia clenched her jaw, looking up at him with something burning behind those eyes.

“Tell me that you don’t feel the same and I’ll go,” Elliot’s nostrils flared as he lowered his voice and invaded the remainder of her personal space, capturing just enough of her attention to earn a low, audible sigh in the process. “I’ll chalk it up to waiting too long.”

Olivia’s eyes searched his before spiraling down, uncomfortably lingering on the floor. Olivia Benson thought she was so hard to love but it wasn’t factual. She wasn’t willing to let anyone in and the thought alone of doing so was enough to strike fear right to her core, even as the one man that trusted was baring the contents of his soul to her. It was eating her alive. Every failure stayed with her, right down to the ones that she didn’t even make. She didn’t feel whole, she felt numb.

She felt incomplete.

Elliot had one of those inconceivable, nervous laughs emanating from his throat as he backed away, shaking his head slowly. “I’ll always love you, Olivia Margaret Benson.”

_God dammit._

Olivia finally let the flood gates open as the tears cascaded down her cheeks as his back turned, the shrill tone of her voice taking over as she stepped forward, shaking. “Please, don’t leave…El…”

Elliot felt the plea rippling through him as his pace halted and he swiveled to look at her. To fully grasp the sight before him. It had been ages since he had seen her with all of her defenses down; tears dripping from her chin, the emotions breaking through in her eyes, and every fiber of her being vulnerable. Elliot couldn’t remember a time that Olivia had looked more stunning, more perfect. He met her in the middle and sheltered the oncoming tide as her knees buckled and her sobs muffled into his shirt.

She belonged to him just as much as he belonged to her.

“Was it the full name?” Elliot earned a teary-eyed laugh as he tilted her chin up and thoughtfully wiped each one of her tears. “It was, wasn’t it?”

“Asshole,” Olivia held onto him with her only mobile arm and leaned against him as he handled her with care, lavishing her forehead with well-placed, necessary kisses. “I’m afraid of loving you out loud…I have a bad habit of ruining everything.”

“We can be afraid together,” Elliot kissed the spots where tears once resided, tenderly thumbing across her cheek as she held on for dear life. “Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, Liv, and I don’t plan on screwing this up.”

Olivia found the fingers on his left hand, lacing hers carefully with his as a gaze became a promise. Elliot’s chin tilted down to meet hers in a silent proclamation as his mouth finally found hers. Time slowed, heartbeats found a rhythm, and a switch was flicked. It wasn’t the stuff of fantasy but of a sweet surrender that had been waiting for so long as eyes closed, lips met, and Elliot’s arms gently entwined around Olivia, while her right hand pulled him close. Constant craving wouldn’t have gone quite far enough and hunger barely tapped the surface of the oncoming tidal wave.

It didn’t have to be just any beginning but it was theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Aubrey, thank you for reading so much of the second half of this to help me get back on track. It was starting to kick me in the booty.
> 
> Quotes by:  
> Lewis Carroll  
> Nathan Wagner
> 
> As always, all comments and feedback are appreciated and encouraged. Thank you so much for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Of course, there’s more coming. I’m not going to tease and torture with this one…it would be too much.
> 
> It has been such a roller coaster writing this for the #PaternityRedux challenge but I’m so looking forward to the rest of the fics from all my girls. With that said, I have to put this out there—I would not have finished this if it weren’t for their constant pep talks and words of wisdom (even if it was a lot of love and ‘I like that’). I needed that.
> 
> Quotes by:   
> Unknown  
> Mark Batterson


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